I am MAXIMILLIAN THE GREAT, the most beautiful Iguana in the Bahamas
and possibly the entire world. I was featured on the cover of Iguana
Magazine which is read by iguanas everywhere. Maximillian isn't my
scientific name, and you can just call me Max. I am the star of the
world famous web site Maxingout.com. Behind every great website is a
beautiful iguana, or at least there should be.
For iguanas image is everything. Take a look at me strutting my
stuff. I'm a bit tired of the beach paparazzi eternally pestering me
with their telephoto lenses, but that is the price I pay for glory. No
matter where I go everyone's eyes are on me, and I can understand why.
From the top of scaly head to the tip of my slithering tail I am
BEAUTIFUL.
Female iguanas love me; this is the pose I use to knock them dead.
I have a one-pack on my belly that is pure muscle. My arms ripple with
power, and my legs are simply awesome. I have been working out at the
island gym climbing the bushes and palm trees five or six hours every day,
and all that work is paying off. You won't see another iguana with
better biceps and triceps. I can do a thousand pushups and not even
break a sweat.
How do you like my body jewelry? I had some body piercing done last
year by the rangers at the Exumas Land and Sea Park. They obviously
knew that I was the most beautiful iguana, and that's why they placed the red
and yellow jewelry on the frill of my neck. Those jewels are really
expensive - they are the crown jewels of Iguana Land which means I am the King. I heard the rangers talking about the crown jewels
- they said they were made of plastic and will last a lifetime.
Plastic must be one of the most expensive and rare gems on planet earth.
I'm sure that God loves iguanas more than He loves other animals, and that's
why He made me so beautiful. Look at my regal nose and lizard lips.
This face has royalty written all over it. I've been thinking about
taking a title - something like "Your Royal Lowness" seems appropriate.
Although I don't have thousands of minions in my royal domain, I do have one
Loyal Critter in my Royal Court. That's the Royal Fly sitting on my
head. He's always there listening to everything I say, laughing at my
jokes, and awestruck by my royal decrees.
How do you like the blue eye shadow around my eye? Speaking of eyes,
do you know how to get the red out? I have gone to the Royal
Ophthalmologist dozens of times and my eyes are still bloodshot. I think
all the partying finally caught up with me.
Do you have any idea how long it takes to put on my
makeup each day? Although my face is the stuff dreams are made of, it takes
hours to apply all that makeup. I have over twelve different colors, and just when I get it right, I start sweating, and the makeup runs.
I hope you notice my fingernails. Those aren't stick-on claws.
They are the real thing. It's a big problem when I break a nail,
because I have to wait for a new one to grow out. When that happens, I
stick my finger in the sand so no one notices the broken nail, because in
Iguana Land image really is everything.
I could go on about how wonderful I am and how much the other iguanas love
me, but such self-aggrandizing conversation shouldn't come from royal lips.
But it's ok if you tell me about my grace and glory. I'm all ears.
Whoops. I don't have ears; I have ear holes. So I'm all ear
holes.
I hope you come back and visit me again. I'm the brains behind this
operation, and this is where you come if you want to talk to mission control
and see ME in all my glory.
